How to Heal Abandonment Trauma

Hey there, friend. If you’re here, chances are you’re carrying some deep feelings of hurt, loss, or fear. Abandonment trauma is tough—it can leave scars that make trusting others, loving yourself, and feeling safe in relationships a real challenge. 

But listen, you are not broken, and healing is absolutely possible.

Let’s walk through this together. 

We’ll explore how to heal abandonment trauma, the different stages of healing, the connection between attachment styles and abandonment, and the steps you can take to start feeling whole again.

What Are the 5 Stages of Abandonment Healing?

Healing is a journey, and like any adventure, it has stages. Think of these as stepping stones to reclaiming your sense of safety and self-worth.

1. Shattering – This is the “ouch” phase. The moment abandonment hits, it can feel like your world just crumbled. Whether it’s a breakup, childhood neglect, or losing someone important, the pain is raw and overwhelming.
2. Withdrawal – Like emotional detox, this stage is full of longing, sadness, and sometimes even anxiety. It’s your heart’s way of saying, “I miss what I lost,” but don’t worry—this won’t last forever.
3. Internalizing – This is the phase where we turn inward and start asking, “Was it me? Am I not lovable enough?” (Spoiler: You ARE lovable. Always have been. Always will be.)
4. Rage and Protest – The fire stage! You start realizing, “Wait a minute, this wasn’t all my fault!” Anger is healthy when channeled properly—it helps you reclaim your power.
5. Lifting and Acceptance – The light at the end of the tunnel. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting, but it does mean moving forward with more self-love, confidence, and resilience.

Healing abandonment trauma isn’t a straight line, and that’s okay. Some days will be easier than others, but every step forward counts.

Can Abandonment Trauma Be Healed?

Absolutely! You might not erase the past, but you can heal from it and create a future where you feel secure, loved, and worthy. Here’s what helps:

• Therapy – A good therapist is like a tour guide for your emotions. Modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and EMDR can work wonders in processing abandonment trauma.
• Self-Reflection & Awareness – Understanding your triggers and emotional patterns helps you navigate tough moments with more grace.
• Building a Strong Support System – Healthy friendships and relationships remind you that you are NOT alone.
• Emotional Regulation Tools – Mindfulness, journaling, deep breathing—these are like superpowers when emotions feel too big to handle.
• Reparenting Your Inner Child – This means giving yourself the love, reassurance, and care that you may not have received in the past. (Yes, talking kindly to yourself in the mirror is a real thing, and it helps!)

Healing abandonment trauma is not about erasing the past but about building a stronger, wiser, and more self-loving version of yourself.

What Attachment Style Is Associated with Abandonment Issues?

Attachment styles shape how we connect with others, and if you’ve experienced abandonment trauma, you might notice some patterns in your relationships.

The most common attachment style linked to abandonment issues is anxious attachment. If this sounds like you, you might:

• Fear rejection and need constant reassurance.
• Worry that people will leave you.
• Feel intense highs and lows in relationships.
• Struggle with trusting that you are enough.

On the flip side, some people swing the other way into avoidant attachment, where they:

• Keep emotional distance as a form of self-protection.
• Struggle to express vulnerability.
• Pull away when things get too intimate.

The good news? Neither of these styles is permanent. Through healing, you can develop secure attachment, which means feeling safe, loved, and confident in relationships—without the fear of abandonment looming over you.

How Do I Fix My Abandonment Issues?

Okay, now for the practical steps. Healing abandonment trauma takes time, but here are some solid ways to get started:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings – Suppressing pain doesn’t make it go away. Give yourself permission to feel everything—without judgment.
2. Find a Therapist – Especially one who specializes in abandonment trauma. Having a safe space to process can be life-changing.
3. Be Your Own Safe Haven – Speak to yourself the way you wish others had spoken to you in the past. (Seriously, try saying “I am safe, I am loved, I am worthy” out loud. It feels good.)
4. Surround Yourself with Love – Find people who support, uplift, and reassure you that you are not alone.
5. Develop Independence – The more secure you feel within yourself, the less you’ll fear losing others. Work on hobbies, passions, and self-care routines that make you happy.
6. Rewrite the Story – Challenge negative thoughts like “I’m unlovable” with new affirmations like “I deserve love, security, and happiness.”
7. Set Boundaries – Learning to say “no” is self-care. Protect your energy and prioritize your well-being.
8. Have Fun! – Healing doesn’t have to be all serious work. Dance, paint, travel, sing (even off-key), and laugh. Joy is healing, too.

Healing abandonment trauma isn’t about making sure no one ever leaves you again—it’s about making sure that when someone does, you know deep down that you’ll be just fine. Because you will.

Final Thoughts

If no one has told you today: you are strong, you are worthy, and you are going to be okay. Understanding how to heal abandonment trauma is the first step toward freeing yourself from fear and pain. 

The journey isn’t always easy, but with time, patience, and self-love, you can rebuild a sense of security and peace.

So, take a deep breath. You’ve got this. And you’re not alone.